Sober Self

{Written 1 year ago; 4 weeks before rehab}

{SOBER SINCE 8.30.2016}

To My Future Self,

Whoever you may be. I cannot wait to meet you. I believe from what I am feeling right now, we have just become acquaintances. The realization of your health, or your lack thereof. Realizing that time does not slow down, it won’t slow down. So I wallow in the infamy, in my agony. It is the darkness of self defeat that you have come to know so well. The hurt consumes me, it ceases me. I have allowed it to cease me because subconsciously I decided that this is apart of me and that I deserve this. I am feeble. The addiction, the stronghold… These laden chains holding me down perpetually. The only thing that seems to give me any relief is to take another pill, to feed the demons.

God blesses us with every breath that He allows us to breathe and yet I remain so fearful of suffering through sobriety; so fearful of failure. I keep waiting for the “right time.” I keep searching as if I have not already found the answer. I have found the truth and the truth has found me. 

To my sober future self… I cannot imagine how clear your mind is now. Nor how active your relationship with God has become. I am anxious to know what your goals are now. I know you have envisioned, if not begun fulfilling them. Not only can you smile now, but you can feel the authenticity in your smile; in every thing. The good and the bad. You have overcome this hell with Christ alone. Once we let God in, it was inevitable that you would have to suffer in order to change.

It was at this very moment that I am writing this that we understood the damage that has been done, willingly and unwillingly. But again, the suffering has to come. You needed to be completely desolate and be face to face with these demons who have had control for so long.

Now that you understand your mistakes and the core of all your pain, and now that you are aware of the power of God’s Grace.. You can take control back of your life and the choices you make. For God, our Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit are the only authority over your soul. Addiction stole your confidence in yourself and your confidence in God but you picked yourself up and walked straight for the light that has been calling you for so long.

Remember to keep your eyes and heart set on Him and His purpose for your life, not your own. I know you may dwell on the length of time it took for me to make a change but if we can know anything for certain, it is to never question His timing because we know it is always RIGHT on time. We are so special and blessed to have been called for a higher purpose. To serve our creator in Heaven and to serve others. But oh how fortunate we are to have gone through this and still have Him to save us from ourselves. So unworthy, yet there He was. The king of all kings beside us and within us at our lowest moments.

So Future Self…. Turn your focus to God and do not concern yourself with the days that have slipped by, for this was your lesson to be learned and this is yours to overcome. The time is now. Not tomorrow and certainly not the next pill. We have our answer and we have always had our answer. Know that He has already gotten you through this battle and “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.” (Romans:8:37)

Stay humble my future self. Never forget me…. But please forgive me. I cannot wait to meet you.